Agents Provocateurs

Collection of SA’s funniest columnists irreverent rants

Memories of a One-Horse Town

Memories of a One-Horse Town

The little hamlet of Greyton, an hour outside Cape Town, isn’t known as a centre of learning. Few of the day-trippers who arrive in town searching for countryfied luxury would even notice the old primary school up on the hill. But for one school term,… Read More →

HANNIBAL ELECTOR: They didn’t kill Kenny Kunene

HANNIBAL ELECTOR: They didn’t kill Kenny Kunene

If it is true that a country gets the politicians it deserves, then ladies and gentlemen: Kenny Kunene! His Patriotic Alliance Party lurks on the IEC list as a merry reminder of our celebrity-obsessed, ca$h-addled culture. Yet Kunene, who is famous for being famous, just… Read More →

World’s Top Sports Scientists Collaborate To Keep Pistorius Hydrated

World’s Top Sports Scientists Collaborate To Keep Pistorius Hydrated

Off The Record has learned hush-hush and on the QT from several reliable sources that Oscar Pistorius has hired a team of sports medical specialists to keep him hydrated while he weeps his way through a high profile murder trial in a Pretoria courtroom. “Basically, Pistorius… Read More →

The Dominatrix of Suburbia

The Dominatrix of Suburbia

The first thing you noticed about the young woman on her balcony across the road was that she was mostly naked. A black, translucent veil-like thing strained at its seams but it had been designed to show off far more than it obscured, and what… Read More →

Elections, Semantics and Cellphone Etiquette

Elections, Semantics and Cellphone Etiquette

The DA sent an SMS saying that Msholozi stole the Nkandla moola and you must vote DA to get it back. The ANC should just tell them he colonized the money, because if you use the word ‘colonized’ the DA will pretend it never happened.… Read More →

Renewing my licence to loot

Renewing my licence to loot

I was sitting in a bar the other day admiring how young and virile I looked in the photo on my driver’s licence when I noticed that it had expired. In November. What’s the point of having one of these things if nobody ever asks… Read More →

Finger Lickin’ Vavi

Finger Lickin’ Vavi

Off The Record has learned hush-hush and on the QT from several reliable sources that Zwelinzima Vavi, newly reinstated as Secretary General of Cosatu, hopes to transform the massive union into a fast food chicken franchise. “No, I have had enough,” Vavi was overheard as… Read More →

Buster Blood Vessel

Almost a year ago, I hired a bicycle and rode from Blue Lagoon to uShaka Marine World to investigate the state of the beachfront. I wrote a column about it. My body must have sensed that it was time for its annual work-out and insisted… Read More →

We have known this man

We have known this man

Something with a siren was approaching fast, racing down the highway that curls into the top of Cape Town’s city bowl. For a moment I wondered if it was an ambulance, shrilly announcing that someone’s Sunday afternoon had started very badly; but a moment later… Read More →

OTR: Thuli Madonsela spent time “chillaxing” at Nkandla while investigating Zuma’s private homestead

OTR: Thuli Madonsela spent time “chillaxing” at Nkandla while investigating Zuma’s private homestead

Off The Record has learned hush-hush and on the QT from several reliable sources that Thuli Madonsela spent at least a week chillaxing at President Jacob Zuma’s controversial Nkandla homestead in rural KZN. Locals have taken and posted photographs of the Public Protector lounging by the notorious fire pool, and… Read More →

Earth Shmerth

Earth Shmerth

Earth Hour is over. Thank fuck for that. To be frank, with the possible exception of Happy Hour, I am not overly interested in anything that lasts for only 60 minutes. The other thing is this. I have never felt particularly close to the human… Read More →

Looking back in anger

Looking back in anger

Even though I was standing deep in the dimness of a bookshop and the two young men behind the counter had their backs to the window, we all suddenly looked up, like wildebeest smelling a rumour of lion, and looked out into the street. A… Read More →

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