The only thing white people hate more than Rhino poachers and fracking is the “race card”. Why are the people who invented race suddenly against it?

That’s like the Italians giving up pasta or Mandoza giving up sunglasses. Race is a political hierarchy, and if are you at the bottom it’s k*k. If you don’t believe me, ask black people.

Now that being white isn’t fun white people suddenly hate race. Surprise, surprise. White people are the racial equivalent of that guy at the bar that disappears when it’s his turn to buy a round. Damn that guy. He was ordering doubles.

Ja, ja, I know there’s actually no such thing as ‘white people’. It’s just a name. They aren’t even actually ‘white’. White people tan to get darker and Michael Jackson made his skin lighter. Basically we all want to be coloured, which is great, because coloured people can dance AND swim.

But just because race doesn’t exist doesn’t mean it hasn’t affected people’s lives. Maybe that’s why white ous want to avoid race, because race, like the baby oil on Jacob Zuma’s bed linen or the maintenance claims in Steve Homeyer’s post box, is a reminder of the past. Not only are white people eternally the bad guys – they also can’t use the K-word on twitter, say the words “your people” or get tenders. It sucks to be white.

I think young white people should go to their grandparents and get early inheritance installments as payback for their grandparents using up all the white coolness in the ’50s. Now all young white people have is Jack Parow and Danny K. I read about these white school kids in Durban whose school turned black after ‘94 and now they listen to techno, because the black kids listen to rap and kwaito. They don’t know that Techno was derived from Afro-American bras in Detroit. Shame. It really sucks to be white.

Don’t get me wrong. Black people do sometimes milk it. Jackson Mthembu would blame the price of Wine Gums on apartheid if he could. Why do the black ones always go first? Racist sweets. The problem is that white people have never really come to terms with what apartheid gave them.

Look at De Klerk. You can see he dreams about apartheid like a fat kid dreams about cake. That’s what gets on my nerves about the DA’s ‘non-racialism’. If white apartheid denialists are Charlie Sheen, the DA is the guy offering him a drink. If white people would be more honest about the fact that apartheid was, and current corporate culture is good times for whiteys, then when Jackson goes nuts it’s much easier to point out his bullsh*t.

We need our white comrades to realize race isn’t over. As Kagiso Lediga says, ‘race is a gay horse on steroids’. South Africans are race addicts. The ous who pretend they are not are just junkies in denial. And like any junky they can’t be cured until they admit they have a problem. Most white people who deny race do it because they have assumed the k*k they do is normal. For them race only arrives when Phineus comes to do the garden. They don’t realize that in SA your race and your accent are still connected. The darker our skin, the slower the white guy talks to us.

Of course, if you are a white race-denialist you are probably getting all annoyed that I, a puppet, am generalizing about you. You have just proved me right. If you really buy that race is a complete lie, then you are not white and nothing here applies to you.