Who are these arrogant pricks who run our companies? The only good thing about a South African CEOs is they have very clean bums. Ass licking will do that to you. CEOs in this country are a bunch of evil slimeballs who bolster the status quo. When you drive past Diepsloot, Gugulethu or Umlazi don’t blame apartheid, don’t blame the DA, blame the self-righteous bastard who is your CEO.

CEOs are like Presidents. They are figureheads for the system. That’s why they get paid so much. It’s so they don’t feel so bad when they sell their souls to the shareholders. You have never seen terror in your eyes like the white CEO whose ANC connected chairman just pitched up.

It’s like watching Russell Crowe turn into a pussy-whipped house-husband because he heard the name ‘Ramaphosa’. Why you scared of Ramaphosa? He sounds like a type of margarine: Ramaphosa, like normal Rama, just much richer.

Don’t be fooled. CEOs pretend their job is to run the company. K*k. Their job is to make the company look good. Running is just part of that. That’s why they have pathetic CSI (Corporate Social Investment) programmes where they rake in billions, give R2 to an orphanage and then act like they are saints, little Mother Theresas in R20,000 suits.

I hate CSI programmes – they are a placebo for actual change. They’re how execs make themselves feel ok for their cushy middle class lifestyles. Workers’ lives are like Shoprite tomatoes: rough, uncertain and often vrot on Fridays. CEOs’ lives are like Woolworths tomatoes: plastic wrapped, and probably from Europe.

So, why do these chimpanzees in Versace earn 40 times more than the average worker? WORKERS WHO ACTUALLY GET S**T DONE?! Look at Lonmin. The CEO was sick and the company still ran. The rock drillers went on strike, the company stopped. Totally. So if you are cutting costs, honourable board members, why don’t you ous fire the idiot we obviously can manage without – the CEO?

The problem with CEOs is the same as the problem with celebrities. They believe their own hype. Management make them look good to give employees, shareholders and the public belief in the company.

Then these little ego-maniacs on the top floor start believing they actually are that awesome. The problem with being awesome is it’s a drug (which is ironic, because they expect us to lick crack). So, dearest CEO, if you face the truth, that you really are the most useless cog in the machine that is your company, your ego will go to bits. That’s where you turn into a world-class pain in the frikking behind.

Now our children’s school fees rely on us maintaining your delusion that you are awesome. That’s why you all have neo-Nazis, called a ‘PA’, to protect you from us, the uncouth rabble who smell like this four letter word called “WORK”.

This would be fine if you did this in the privacy of your own penthouse, bondage dungeon or country club. But you don’t. You normalize a hierarchy where you have a job just because you happen to look like the people with capital, so they trust you (80% of the JSE is owned by white ous and 73% of SA management come in the same colour tones as marshmallows. Wow! Who would have guessed? Better Photoshop a black guy onto your quarterly report so Ramaphosa doesn’t notice).

People of colour, women, midgets and other minorities struggle in the corporate greenhouse because it was literally built for YOU (in some offices, even with your own elevators!). It’s called “cultural dissonance”, Sweetcheeks. Name one white male CEO in the last 19 years who has learned to speak isiZulu, Sepedi or Tshivenda so he can live the change?

Name one of these bastards who has actually dropped their income to the R550,000 cap suggested by Pravin Gordhan? Name one who has actually faced their co-leeches on the board and said no, we are paying the workers too little? To put it simply, what’s the difference between a CEO and God? God doesn’t think he’s a CEO.

Chester Missing is a political analyst for LNN Live on eTV.