Don’t Braai our Heritage, Don’t braai!

To hell with Kate Middleton’s tits. The British go nuts when the French post a picture of their royalty topless, but National Geographic has been posting pictures of our royalty topless for years. Respect our heritage you bastards.

Let me be very clear. It’s Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika, not Die Stem. It’s Xhosa, not ‘Kaw-za’. It’s Heritage Day, NOT Braai Day. You know 24 September used to be Shaka Day? Now we’re calling it by the Afrikaans word to barbeque. WTF?!!!!

Reducing Heritage Day to braais is like reducing Easter to chocolate eggs, or Mandela to tasteless wallpaper shirts (we just didn’t have the heart to tell him they were k*k), or Afrikaans culture to Steve Hofmeyr. Because let’s agree, Steve Hofmeyr is just Eugene Terreblanche with lyrics.

The reason the cultural mafia jacked our day is to get this thing called ‘reconciliation’. How the hell does naming our heritage after a Boere meat burning ritual reconcile us?

That’s so sick. I am going to Google an image of R Kelly with a teenager so I can feel less perverted. The school kids of ’76 risked their lives because they were being forced to learn in Afrikaans and some vagina monkeys think the best way to remember our heritage is with the Afrikaans word ‘braai’. Are you out of your f**king mind?

We have 11 official languages in this country, excluding Chinese and Congolese, and Java, the computer language of coffee. English and Afrikaans were forced on us. How about the selfish bastards who did the forcing do some reconciling now?

Zulu is SA’s most spoken language – call it Shisa Nyama Day. Call it Chakalaka Day. Call it frikking Magwinya Day for all I care (that one is for Juju), just stop normalizing the language of the ous who colonized us. It seems like the only way to get previously advantaged ous to speak an African language is to make the Australian visa form in Xhosa.

I hear the whiny voice of the DA’s Diane Kohler-Barnard (now that’s a name for a 19th century missionary) saying we need to make everyone feel included.

Exactly! Most SA cultures were given second class status for 350 years and now the plan to make them feel included is by starting a fire and cooking some k*k called boerewors. We have had enough of boerewors being forced down our throats… and I do mean that in every possible way (spank, spank, wie is jou pappa?). I found this quote from a ou called JanMohammed:

“To date, integration and assimilation have never taken place on equal terms, but always as assimilation by the dominant culture.”

I am not anti-Afrikaner. They are mostly coloured people in denial anyway. It’s just that the status quo is biased for some of us. When are they going to start sending us traffic fine notices in Shangaan? Or maybe Clicks Club magazines in Xhosa: that makes sense, clicks in Clicks.

Reconciliation will come from finding out how similar we are. The isiZulu, isiXhosa, and siSwati word to leave is “hamba”. It’s just the Tsonga’s who say “famba”. They’re just saying “hamba” with a Portuguese accent. If you get that joke, then you may call it Braai Day.

Until then my message to the cultural imperialists amongst us is: you colonized our land, you colonized our culture, you colonized our economy, don’t colonize our heritage. Ndiyabonga (because Vendas just don’t get enough scope).

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv.


  • forget racism and apartheid !

    I entirely disagreed with you ! Its a public holiday you stubborn fool ! You evidentally hate the whites and despise apartheid but what does your attitude say ??? Can’t you just appreciate the day off from work ? Why does everything have to be racial or vindictive ? Its people like you that are preventing this country from flourishing ! Do you want our country to end up like every other African country, bankrupt and in the midst of a civil war ? Gosh, you really are uneducated. Use your bursaries to get some brains !

  • Sisanda Matomela

    Quite an insightful analysis from a puppet !! Spot on Chester. Its seems so called reconciliation is a synonym for assimilation into european/colonialist culture and when you make that point you are vilified for not wanting the country to move forward and flourish. Keep on calling a spade a spade or shall I say Biza umhlakulo umhlakulo :-)

  • Stephan Goosen

    As a South African, I find it discouraging to see how a big of an issue culture and heritage has become. I believe that all people have the right to admire and respect their culture, but like every right it has to be paid for by responsibility.

    We should realize that our cultures that have been formed by our forefathers, and they were just as flawed as we are. So, we have a responsibility to refine our own cultures by pruning away the traditions that are based on simple greed, lust or hate, and polishing and adding to the traditions based on love, hope, responsibility, etc.

    For example, as an Afrikaner, we have a culture of enjoying boerewors. And as much as I love it, I first have to subject it to the question, “Is this good?”. And when I consider the amount of unhealthy oils, fats and cholesterols in boerewors, I have to realize that this is a part of my culture that I cannot simply indulge in, if I want to be healthy.

    We all have the right to be respected and admired for our various cultures, but I fear that we as a country are being defined by our cultures, instead of the values and principles that we believe to be good and wholesome.

    Personally, I think we should stop worrying about our cultures and start examining our value and belief systems. THEN, we can come back and refine our own cultures with the traditions that match with our values, rejecting the parts that clash with them.

  • Tertius Stiemie

    I guess you are just upset because it was raining where you lived and you don’t have an indoor braai. Who have ever heard of an indoor braai in a suitcase anyway? And is fried chicken part of our heritage. Because that shit sells like, well, like fried chicken in Bhisho.

  • Dewald Swanepoel

    If I’m called on to celebrate my heritage, what better way than to braai? How exactly do you propose I celebrate my heritage if braaing is inappropriate. You are free to choose any way to celebrate your heritage and by the looks of it you’re choosing by celebrating through bitching and moaning about your disadvantaged past. Maybe if that is all there is to your heritage you should rather not celebrate it at all.

    I’m saying there’s a great deal to celebrate about our heritage and I can’t think of a more appropriate and culturally neutral way than a braai. I’m sorry if you have such a chip on your shoulder but the word “braai” has long since transcended from the white oppressor’s language into the common vernacular of English- and Zulu speaker alike. I have personally been to a “Buy and Braai” at Panyazo in Soweto. I didn’t force them to use that term, they chose it for themselves – and it was great!

    Those are the people who make me positive about the future and the heritage of our country, not bitchers and moaners like you.

    • Monya

      You can celebrate your heritage by braaing; just don’t campaign for everyone else in south Africa to do the same by renaming Shaka day to braai day

By Chester Missing

Chester Missing Chester Missing is South Africa's hottest new political analyst. Conrad Koch is his sidekick. It's strange, but you'll laugh... a lot.

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