Don’t Braai our Heritage, Don’t braai!

By Chester Missing September 27, 2012

Chester Missing

To hell with Kate Middleton’s tits. The British go nuts when the French post a picture of their royalty topless, but National Geographic has been posting pictures of our royalty topless for years. Respect our heritage you bastards.

Let me be very clear. It’s Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika, not Die Stem. It’s Xhosa, not ‘Kaw-za’. It’s Heritage Day, NOT Braai Day. You know 24 September used to be Shaka Day? Now we’re calling it by the Afrikaans word to barbeque. WTF?!!!!

Reducing Heritage Day to braais is like reducing Easter to chocolate eggs, or Mandela to tasteless wallpaper shirts (we just didn’t have the heart to tell him they were k*k), or Afrikaans culture to Steve Hofmeyr. Because let’s agree, Steve Hofmeyr is just Eugene Terreblanche with lyrics.

The reason the cultural mafia jacked our day is to get this thing called ‘reconciliation’. How the hell does naming our heritage after a Boere meat burning ritual reconcile us?

That’s so sick. I am going to Google an image of R Kelly with a teenager so I can feel less perverted. The school kids of ’76 risked their lives because they were being forced to learn in Afrikaans and some vagina monkeys think the best way to remember our heritage is with the Afrikaans word ‘braai’. Are you out of your f**king mind?

We have 11 official languages in this country, excluding Chinese and Congolese, and Java, the computer language of coffee. English and Afrikaans were forced on us. How about the selfish bastards who did the forcing do some reconciling now?

Zulu is SA’s most spoken language – call it Shisa Nyama Day. Call it Chakalaka Day. Call it frikking Magwinya Day for all I care (that one is for Juju), just stop normalizing the language of the ous who colonized us. It seems like the only way to get previously advantaged ous to speak an African language is to make the Australian visa form in Xhosa.

I hear the whiny voice of the DA’s Diane Kohler-Barnard (now that’s a name for a 19th century missionary) saying we need to make everyone feel included.

Exactly! Most SA cultures were given second class status for 350 years and now the plan to make them feel included is by starting a fire and cooking some k*k called boerewors. We have had enough of boerewors being forced down our throats… and I do mean that in every possible way (spank, spank, wie is jou pappa?). I found this quote from a ou called JanMohammed:

“To date, integration and assimilation have never taken place on equal terms, but always as assimilation by the dominant culture.”

I am not anti-Afrikaner. They are mostly coloured people in denial anyway. It’s just that the status quo is biased for some of us. When are they going to start sending us traffic fine notices in Shangaan? Or maybe Clicks Club magazines in Xhosa: that makes sense, clicks in Clicks.

Reconciliation will come from finding out how similar we are. The isiZulu, isiXhosa, and siSwati word to leave is “hamba”. It’s just the Tsonga’s who say “famba”. They’re just saying “hamba” with a Portuguese accent. If you get that joke, then you may call it Braai Day.

Until then my message to the cultural imperialists amongst us is: you colonized our land, you colonized our culture, you colonized our economy, don’t colonize our heritage. Ndiyabonga (because Vendas just don’t get enough scope).

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv.