KFC: Kentucky Fried Coloured

I am angry with KFC. Not only because they gave me heartburn (Streetwise 2 is an undercover Rennies marketing campaign), and I don’t even have a digestive system. I am angry with KFC because they have jumped on the racism bandwagon and given us yet another idiotic ad where the guys with the stereotypical ‘coloured’ accents are backward and stupid and the guy with the ‘white’ accent is the one being sharp.

I know there’s a whole crowd of whiney bastards out there who think we should all just laugh at it. These people are what I call ‘stupid’. The problem is ugly people know they are ugly, and short people know they are short, but stupid people don’t know they are stupid.

We are fine with making people more disadvantaged than us look like idiots right up until we are in their shoes, then suddenly we get it. How many people who talk like a gaatjie become CEOs?

How often are people with that vibe portrayed as super sharp in the media? Just about never. In fact its gotten to the point that working class coloured people don’t need to go “awe; jou ma se…; hoe lyk it; etc” because racist white comedians are doing it for them.

Coloured people are not fast food. They don’t all taste the same. So thanks for nothing Kentucky Fried Coloured.

Stereotypes of white ous are also kak, but because they usually have more economic and social power, let’s go black. The white stereotype of black men is that we all have big dicks and great rhythm. It’s like they think we are all Lil Wayne. Of course these are stupid stereotypes, because if you have seen Barack Obama dance you’ll know he moves like a well dressed epileptic, and if you have heard Mike Tyson talk you’ll realise that a man with a voice that squeaky has a penis bordering on vagina.

Some people love their own stereotypes. It gives them identity. MSHOLOZI IS 100% ZULU. Ja, but his favorite drink is Rooibos with honey and lemon. That’s as Zulu as cheesecake. People say Jacob Zuma’s odd for having 4 wives. Larry King from CNN, the whitest guy on earth, had 8 wives. Even Jacob Zuma thinks Larry King is a slut. There are as many Zulu cultures as there are Zulus. Maybe that’s why the boss has lovepants? He’s expanding his culture.

Black is a political position, not a culture. If black was a culture then Dali Tambo would be white and Jesse Clegg would be coloured – he’s black on his dad’s side. Then we call middle class black people coconuts. Why? So we can enforce our narrow minded idea of blackness on them?

That’s like feminists calling butch women “fruit salad”: guava on the outside, banana on the inside. It makes no sense. Assuming that you know the struggles of someone’s life because of their accent is like thinking you can tell if a chicken is roasted by listening to it.

But rich South Africans are super classist. These fools believe you can tell how clever and how wealthy people are by how they sound. Of course they think they are not doing this. They think they are laughing ‘with’ the working class type ous in the KFC ad. This is a lie.

For them Gwede Mantashe sounds like a mentally disabled car guard. Middle class SA is like the Blue Bulls change room: if you don’t smell like Victor Matfield’s crotch they act like YOU’RE the one who is weird. It doesn’t help race relations that millions of these rich ous are white.

This is why people who laugh at ‘working class’ accents should be forced to watch hours and hours of Generations. Not so they learn anything. Just because it’s really kak. And because non-racialism means not caring how someone looks, or how they sound. The only way your accent and skin colour are actually connected are because the darker your skin, the slower old white people will talk to you.

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv.

  • http://twitter.com/sagrennn sagren

    I can’t understand why Conrad is taking offence to these stereotypes when he perpetuates many of them himself. I think this rant is just a rant for the sake of ranting.

    • http://twitter.com/sodalitesays faucet-the-spinaltap

      There’s something that needs to be understood, its not conrad’s views that are being expressed its the character Chester Missing, secondly lets ask ourselves: Whats the difference between observations and stereo-types? thirdly fuck yeah im defending conrad hes the only white lookin dude that has (through his work) given the “coloured working class” a voice… hows that for a rant!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steve-Mario/641823215 Steve Mario

    Larry King had 8 wives in total and not at the same time. I don’t think you know you’re stupid.

  • bewilderbeast

    Yussis Chester. Seems your column is only read in the Afrifoorum boghouse? Here’s hoping you get some readers with a sensayuma.

  • Andrew

    Really? What about stereotyping white people? white dutchmen are also made out to be studpid?? nothing mentioned in the article. very one-sided. An empty barrel making noise.

By Chester Missing

Chester Missing Chester Missing is South Africa's hottest new political analyst. Conrad Koch is his sidekick. It's strange, but you'll laugh... a lot.

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