Cape Town, Africa’s Best un-African city

By Chester Missing November 8, 2012

Chester Missing

The media says Helen Zille marched on Zuma’s ‘compound’. It’s racist for white people to call a black man’s home ‘compound’. The correct term is ‘crib’. While she was away I marched on her Zilleville house. I was turned away by the armed wing of the DA, or as they call themselves, ADT.

The fact is Cape Town’s refugees and professional blacks don’t get to live in compounds. They get to live where apartheid put them: in a puddle on a sandpit.

Cape Town is the least African city in Africa, but Conde Nast just voted it the best city in Africa. Nothing Eurocentric about that. This week I told the peaches who follow me on twitter: “I love you Cape Townians, but get honest, your city is so unAfrican even the Voortrekkers decided to leave it”.

Apparently it really upsets people with pink skins when they are told they are not African. It’s awesome that they want to be African, but let’s play fair comrades. Living a 100% western lifestyle and then trying to score Africa points is like having a penis and trying to become a 100m women’s sprint champion (no disrespect intended, Caster). One cheesepuff even asked me “what is Africa meant to look like?” I answered that it kind of looks likes a piece of bacon. Mozambique is the fatty bit.

Ja, its very bigoted to tell coloured ous they aren’t African. Jimmy Manyi would use it as a reason to move people. The problem is Cape Town’s power centre, the CBD, sitting like a big tight-jeaned hipster crotch between Table Mountain and Signal Hill, is very Eurocentric. There is less melanin in Cape Town’s hipster city centre than there is in Buthelezi’s teeth. Culturally it’s like France light (not ‘lite’).

Cape Town is so full of cool people it’s slowing summer down. These scuffed-shoed, retro-bearded, obscure t-shirt wearing cultural imperialists are so busy being ironic they have overlooked the irony of their totally non-African version of Africa. Even the street poles with isiXhosa on them seem fake. Who is the Xhosa for? It’s not, for the most part, like they can afford to live there. And if they do they can’t go two steps without some German asking them if they work here.

In fact I’ll bet you my poppekas more Germans own houses in Cape Town’s city bowl than Xhosas. And these hipster colonialists whine like a DA caucus (hang on, they ARE a DA caucus) when someone asks if they are African.

They go, “but what about diversity?” Please man, “diversity” is the word white people use to tell black people to shut the f*** up. And the neo-Nazis in the centre of Cape Town (where have I seen that hipster haircut before? Hmmm. Mein Kampf’s Bay) will shout that I mustn’t generalise about their neo-Nazi version of white liberalism. They act like they are the nice white people… its those Steve Hofmeyr types we must hate on.

Screw that. The hipster version of cool is, in an ironic, retro way, how whiteness has been reinvented in Cape Town’s city bowl. Obviously you get black hipsters, who, apart from writing for The Daily Maverick or presenting LNN, shake up the cultural status quo just by being there.

But let them come with any demands for real change and see how quickly they get diversified to death. Ja, those Sunset Clauses saved some white asses. Maybe that’s why they so happy to have Mandela on the money? He helped them keep theirs.

In case you all think I am a puppet of Black Nationalism. I am not. WTF does the president mean by “white man’s justice”? What must coloured and Indian people do? Call into 3 Talk? The African-white dichotomy is a story racist politicians tell to get votes. African and western (not the same as ‘white’) culture have been mixing for hundreds if not thousands of years. Julius Caesar was pomping Cleopatra loooong before Theunis Crous tried it. I am just pointing out the power vibes.

So, Conde Nast, your favorite African cities are Cape Town and Knysna, where white people go to semi-grate? If that was any more backwards your publication would have reverse lights.

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv.