Common Senselessness

Blade Nzimande, the red wine drinking CEO of communists, wants to make insulting the president illegal. It’s not his fault the shape of Jacob Zuma’s head is so unique Tourism SA could make it an attraction. The problem in SA right now is that the Department of Common Sense has been shut down due to budget cuts.

Take Ntate Blade. He’s not dof, in fact he has a PhD. He has a lekker sense of humour. I interviewed him last week for LNN. He called me a ‘liberal sniper’ (WTF?), and I told him he smokes dagga and is 5 months pregnant. He denied the first one. So why the radical vibes?

Apart from the fact that he’s a communist driving a R1-million car (it’s like catching a nun with a box of condoms), making an insult law is so short of common sense it could feature on Jackass. If you going to blow R250-million on security then don’t cry like a girl when we want to see proof you didn’t use some of it on a jacuzzi. Duh.

He’s right though. It’s biased to see Nkandla as one guy’s house. It’s a whole village with the same dad. I wonder if the Sunday school at Nkandla ever makes the kids sing that song ‘Father Abraham, had many sons…’? And we can’t use certain words now? If FNB did provide the bond, did they have to drop the compound interest? Besides, if Thabo Mbeki is the African of the Year, why is Jacob Zuma the president?

This Nkandla kak is a classic example of common senselessness from every angle. The DA ous are acting like Nkandla is Sun City for black people. They’re frothing so madly I am worried they need a rabies test. Apparently they have fleas, so you never know.

Zuma’s bond is to the DA what Obama’s birth certificate was to Republicans. They’re going nuts, screaming for a ‘motion of no confidence’. Motion of no confidence? Dear DA, it sounds like you having a low self-esteem pooh. The DA is like someone with body odour. You’re the only one who doesn’t know you smell.

Why am I nailing the DA here? Because they screwing up the field of play. If you’re black it’s a compound; if you’re white it’s a golf estate. And marching on his house? For f**k’s sake, how desperate are you? Let the public protector do her job. It’d be lot easier to nail Msholozi on these racism claims he’s been insinuating if the Eurocentric ous would be more honest about their prejudices.

The DA, in its middle class glory, acts like it owns the truth. It’s like a Foucault thing if that means anything to you. Bringing non-racialism by telling millions of black people they make stupid voting choices is like fighting diabetes by selling sweets.

The DA are forever undermining poor black people’s protests as mindless. Why does the DA run scared from any serious unrest? How was the DA relevant for Marikana and the farm workers? The most badass they get is going to Shoprite on a Friday. Admit it, DA, when it comes to serious unhappiness you people are more disarmed than a Palestinian at an Israeli checkpoint.

And, on the topic of common sense, DA can you please just acknowledge we need full-blown Affirmative Action? You’re so wishy-washy on AA I could do my laundry in a DA caucus meeting. DA Laundry: it’ll even make your colours whiter. Be honest Ma Helen, what do you call a white South African who hasn’t benefitted from apartheid? An albino.

So, ANC, you’ve got branches, cards and Mandelas. You’re basically a bank, and yes, South Africa is losing interest. And DA, farting and then asking ‘who farted?’ a no-go topic is uncool. That’s how you handle race. Please get honest about your Eurocentrism, because honestly if you go on another lame-ass, holier-than-thou march I’ll drive you over with my poppekas myself.

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv.

By Chester Missing

Chester Missing Chester Missing is South Africa's hottest new political analyst. Conrad Koch is his sidekick. It's strange, but you'll laugh... a lot.

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