The truth is white people would have ended apartheid 10 years earlier if we had just called ourselves ‘Rhinos’.

Don’t get me wrong; I love rhinos, and white people. But let’s get honest, melanin-deficient comrades included, white people still own just about everything except the government and Muvhango, and change often happens on their own terms. So what the frik is ‘reverse apartheid’?

Two weeks ago on LNN I interviewed the DA shadow minister of police, the queen of 80’s haircuts, Dianne Kohler Barnard. For the record, she is a DA member without fleas. Nice lady, but a bit mal. She believes we shouldn’t have quotas in Affirmative Action. Obviously when the DA makes tea they don’t stir. They just put the sugar in and hope. I am sure Ms Kohlernoscopy Barnard has a Rottweiler in her garden whose teeth have been removed, and that just sucks everyone away.

The problem when you talk about this kak is that right wing lunatics don’t know how to separate their racism from their economics. There is nothing wrong with white people. White people are just black people who are slowly realizing it. We must hug them. Unless you are Tiger Woods, because he will try have sex with you.

As I say, just wait until Msholozi finds out that white women don’t charge lobola. The coloured population of the country will triple… Although the problem with Lady Gaga is she’d just wear the lobola.

Come on pink pals, you are earning on average 6 times what black people earn, and have been doing so for generations. This didn’t happen because you are cleverer than us… Ja, we have seen 7de Laan. This didn’t happen because you were more deserving than us. It happened because some ous moered the hell out of us.

If we used Kohler Barnard’s logic then lazy men would never do the dishes. The dishes would just sit there until they do themselves. Kohler Barnard’s kids must love her, unless they are black.

A few backwards cavemen, escaped from the back of Dr Phillip Tobias’ bakkie shout “no, bloody hell man, its reverse racism man”. Are you stupid? Reverse racism? If you were any more illogical Jacob Zuma would use you for bond registrations (did he get compound interest?). Let’s be clear: the system was invented to back up white privilege. This system is still there. The majority in any boardroom or executive suite is just about always white.

The people who hire and fire are still mostly white. If you are white your chances in life are ridiculously better than for the average black South African. I don’t care if you worked your privileged little ass off, or if you only arrived in SA yesterday. Yes, this is a blanket statement. If that is upsetting, shame.

Sure, you probably applied for a job or two and never got it. Imagine that that happened to your great-grandparents, your grandparents, your parents AND to you. That’s what its like for most black people. So white people complaining about affirmative action is like Khulubuse Zuma complaining they gave him Canderel. Suck it up.

Ok, now the cavemen bras reading this are getting all sweaty: “but look at all these loaded BEE types, china”. They are a tiny, miniscule minority. Affirmative action and what we usually call BEE are two completely different things (unless you understand BBBEE, but we usually don’t).

What you are doing is like saying: ‘I don’t know why disabled people get all the privileges, Oscar Pistorius is fine’. Obviously I am not saying black people are disabled, unless you are Floyd Shivambu. The only thing that’s easy for Oscar Pistorius is shoe shopping.

So, ous who cry “reverse apartheid”, please be honest: you want to maintain the unequal status quo. Rather call it “continue apartheid”, because if you actually wanted to reverse apartheid you’d embrace Affirmative Action like it’s a presidential niece in a kanga and baby oil.

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv.