Mangaung, Sponsored by Cadre Lite

By Chester Missing December 7, 2012

Chester Missing

Politicians are going nuts. Not since Edgars had Red Hanger Sales have I seen this many fat people killing each other for a deal. The SABC is cracking.

Right now they’d cancel Takalane Sesame for using the word ‘Kgalema’. The Soweto Derby is this weekend. My money is on them banning the Orlando Pirates for having the same colour scheme as Kgalema’s hair. Even the SABC weather bra is avoiding the word ‘change’. That’s right, comrades, it’s the road to Mangaung.

Right now, while DA voters are planning the Road to Knysna for Christmas, ANC ous are on turning on the blue lights, squeezing into Mango seats, catching taxis, avoiding Rea Vaya buses, and coming to Mangaung. Tina Joemat-Pettersson is likely to charter a flight via Sweden just to get to Bloem on time. Bra Jackson is no doubt busy sneaking Three Ships Whiskey into the budget, and a tender has gone out for a big ass cake. Rumour has it that John Block has volunteered to be the cake if they drop the charges.

I myself am also going, thanks to eNCA. I classify for Mangaung under the category: media puppet. No doubt Justice Malala and Eusebius McKaiser will also qualify under this category. I am going to ask crazy questions, and try steal one of Minister of Communication Dina Pule’s shoes. Apparently they are worth k*k loads on the black market. In fact I heard you can buy a studio flat on illegally claimed land in Lenasia for one Dina Pule shoe.

The big question is, will Kgalema Motlanthe contend? Nobody knows. Not even Kgalema. I haven’t seen this much confusion since Lindiwe Mazibuko last tried to talk isiZulu. I saw Kgalema Motlanthe at Mc Donalds the other day. He couldn’t decide which meal he wanted, but said he was very dedicated to food. There are only three reasons why he could be withholding so much:

1)  He is scared comrades will find out his middle name is ‘Petrus’ (it really is), and that he will be forced to leave to join COPE like Smuts and Terror. You can’t see Juju in a shirt saying ‘100% Petrus’.

2)  He is like one of those school kids who pretends he didn’t study so nobody judges him when he fails.

3)  He wants to remind us that it’s about who the ANC branches select, not about slates and lists and favours.

Kgalema is the integrity guy. He’s so boring Generations could cast him as an actor… as long as he doesn’t oppose anyone. He’s the ou the Polokwane posse sent to tell Thabo Mbeki he was fired. He was the middleman. Like Switzerland, but with less Nazis.

The other day he put his foot in it by saying that SA is at a ‘tipping point’. People thought he was talking about car guards and R5 coins. I think it upset Msholozi, because the ANC likes to think its junk is hidden. They’re like those late night porno ads. You never get to see the cracks, but you know they are there.

The problem is the ANC electoral system. It can only work if we assume nobody is going to do back room politics. Backstabbing, deal making, intimidation, tenders, all these lies people the media tells us about the wearers of shiny suits (It’s why they’re always in sunglasses. The shiny suits have glare). In Limpopo things have gotten so dangerous you’d be forgiven for thinking its Panga-ung not Mangaung.

The 100 years of discipline are being shaken, partly by the 500000 or so new members in the last 5 years. I am sure none of these recent freedom fighters have been influenced by the massive get-rich-quick billboard called Nkandla. I like to call these new ANC ous ‘Cadre Lite’: like a normal cadre, just more deployable.

Mangaung is a gathering of 4000 (based on numbers, not weight) people who will decide the next president. 4000 people is nothing. With liposuction you could fit them all into Dali Tambo’s lounge. Please, comrades, make yourselves accountable to the voting puppets. They put you there after all, not the other way around.

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv.