Ben Trovato

High times in Hound City

High times in Hound City

I had my 21st birthday party at a club in Durban. I hired it for the night. It was dangerously cheap. I don’t remember the name. It was down a side street deep in the noxious belly of the beast. It wasn’t one of those clubs… Read More →

An open letter to ANC MP Lindiwe Michelle Maseko

An open letter to ANC MP Lindiwe Michelle Maseko

Dear Comrade Lindiwe, You suggested the other day that the SABC should broadcast the national anthem twice a day – at 6am and again at midday – to foster patriotism. Well done! If there is one thing this country needs, it’s more patriots and fewer… Read More →

Juju and the wrong arm of the law

Juju and the wrong arm of the law

The Honourable Comrade Julius Malema has been appointed to the Judicial Services Commission. This is not a drill. Women and children first. When I heard the news, I went into a spin, began drinking heavily, lost it on the dismount, vomited on the cat and… Read More →

A letter to the Hon. Julius Malema

A letter to the Hon. Julius Malema

Dear Honourable Comrade Commander-in-Chief, Congratulations on landing once again with your bum firmly in the butter. If sheltered employment is what you’re looking for, you could do a lot worse than parliament. Hell, for a million rand a year, I’d also dress up in a… Read More →

Jungle Fever at the World Cup

Jungle Fever at the World Cup

Underage bromeliads cavorting around a psychedelic pumpkin. Depraved mangrove-men banging up against flirtatious fuschia. Just in case you thought you were watching the Chelsea Flower Show moments after someone slipped acid into the water coolers, the announcer explained. “They represent the vegetation of Brazil. It’s… Read More →

Twisting the wrong arm of the law

Twisting the wrong arm of the law

Last weekend I bribed my first policeman. Yes, I know. It’s shocking to think that I have lived in this country my whole life and only now has this happened. I have friends in Joburg who bribe cops two or three times a month. I’m… Read More →

Everybody must get stoned

Everybody must get stoned

Chief Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng is on a mission to put the fear of God into us. He believes South Africa would be a far better country “if religion could be allowed to influence the laws that govern our daily lives”. Bear in mind that this… Read More →

Author flees – gets high

Author flees – gets high

My memoir hit the bookshops last week so I left the country before anyone could read it. My publisher accused me of aberrant behaviour. Apparently the normal thing would have been to stay around and help publicise it. Right now I’m in a stone house… Read More →

Ben Trovato – EXPOSED

Ben Trovato – EXPOSED

There is a good chance there are still people out there holding powerful grudges against me for something I wrote that mocked their language, religion, race, political beliefs, sexuality, body type or social status. I don’t par­ticularly want to be explaining the nuances of irony,… Read More →

Big elections need big rulers – get the measure of it today

Big elections need big rulers – get the measure of it today

What I enjoy most about elections is waking up early, packing a cooler box of beer and a moonbag of amphetamines, and setting off to cast my ballot at as many polling stations as possible before being arrested. I have a dozen or so fake… Read More →

Anarchy in the RSA

Anarchy in the RSA

With polls due to open on Wednesday, election fever is reaching a crescendo. Bare-assed lying, bribery, coercion and threats of violence are witnessed every day. And that’s just in my house. The situation has become so volatile that I was forced to call a meeting… Read More →

South Africa – a nation of Brit-boeties, Boers, Bantu and other bliksems

South Africa – a nation of Brit-boeties, Boers, Bantu and other bliksems

South Africa has a long and proud history of democratic rule – along with other shining examples like Cuba, North Korea and the Mongol Empire. Even though the Khoikhoi and San were taking decisions by consensus long before Jan van Riebeeck sashayed into Table Bay… Read More →

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By Ben Trovato

Ben Trovato Cape Town-based author of 10 books, although you wouldn't think so if you had to see his living conditions. He was responsible for writing the Whipping Boy column for the Sunday Times for five years, South Africa's biggest-selling newspaper. Hailed by critics as a master of satire. Hailed by his wife, Brenda, as an idiot savant who could do with a little more savant and a lot less idiot. Follow him if you dare.

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