Let’s All Drink To The Death Of A Clown
This is the first time in ten years that I haven’t had a weekly deadline for a newspaper column. The first five were with the Cape Times, the second five with the Sunday Times. It’s very unsettling to suddenly have an extra six hours a… Read More →
An Open Letter to President Jacob Zuma
Dear Msholozi, I hear wife #3 is demanding that SA Airlink cough up half a million rand in compensation for jewellery that was allegedly stolen out of her bag while flying from Nelspruit to Johannesburg. Please don’t get me wrong. When I say “allegedly”, I’m… Read More →
Airplanes,Wedding Trains And The Car
“If you love me, you will obey my commandments – John 14:15.” And so it is with Trovato 07:45. Or, if I oversleep, 10:30. President Jacob Zuma is also big on this parable or homily or whatever the hell you call it. When I saw… Read More →
The Chicken Who Cried Fowl
I had a birthday this week. Many of you failed to wish me well. Fine. Don’t expect me to be there for you when days are dark and friends are few. Out here on the North Coast, in the 4399, the days are darkening earlier… Read More →
A Conspiracy of Dunces
So I take the Land Rover for a service. It’s what motorists do, apparently. Sometimes I need reminding. Often it’s the vehicle that reminds me. This time, though, the car wasn’t complaining at all. It just seemed like a responsible adult thing to do.… Read More →
Dazed & Confused
Social media is giving me a headache. Literally. After Brenda went mad and abandoned me last year, a loyal fan of my “work” tracked me down and insisted on comforting me in my time of need. She comforted me over and over again until I… Read More →
Bad Friday
I was in Hermanus on Friday night when I stumbled across a rapidly forming mob at the old harbour. Sensing a fight, I began pushing my way to the front. If you come across an outbreak of hostilities between rival gangs of perlemoen poachers, there… Read More →
An Open Letter To President Jacob Zuma
Dear Comrade Leader, Last week I wrote to General Solly Shoke congratulating him on the army’s bold attempt to capture the Central African Republic as part of an ambitious plan to conquer Europe. I must apologise. That letter should have gone to you. As commander-in-chief… Read More →
An Open Letter to SA National Defence Force Chief, General Solly Shoke
Dear General, I got quite a shock when I saw you on telly the other evening. I thought Magnus Malan still had the job. Like many white people, I stopped taking an interest in current affairs in 1994. However, I didn’t think for one minute… Read More →
Watching The Defectives
The ANC has once again dipped its grubby little paws into a Checkers bag full of recycled careerists and come up with an interim board for the SABC. “Comrades, we’re offering you this chalice.” “What’s wrong with it?” “Nothing. Well, it’s poisoned. Apart from that,… Read More →
An Open Letter to the Independent Communications Authority of South Africa
Dear Sir or Madam, Forgive me for I know not whether you are a sir or a madam. For all I know, you are both. If you are indeed a hermaphrodite or even a transsexual who dreams of one day undergoing gender reassignment surgery, may… Read More →
Here’s To Alcohol: The Cause of – and Solution to – All of Life’s Problems
Instead of trying to find a cure for Aids, medical researchers should rather concentrate on finding a cure for hangovers. Sure, most hangovers won’t kill you, but more of us suffer from them. And when the majority suffers, it’s bad for democracy. Something needs to… Read More →
Cape Town-based author of 10 books, although you wouldn't think so if you had to see his living conditions. Writes the Whipping Boy column for the Sunday Times, South Africa's biggest-selling newspaper. Hailed by critics as a master of satire. Hailed by his wife, Brenda, as an idiot savant who could do with a little more savant and a lot less idiot. Follow him if you dare. 
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