Ben Trovato

Renewing my licence to loot

Renewing my licence to loot

I was sitting in a bar the other day admiring how young and virile I looked in the photo on my driver’s licence when I noticed that it had expired. In November. What’s the point of having one of these things if nobody ever asks… Read More →

Buster Blood Vessel

Almost a year ago, I hired a bicycle and rode from Blue Lagoon to uShaka Marine World to investigate the state of the beachfront. I wrote a column about it. My body must have sensed that it was time for its annual work-out and insisted… Read More →

Earth Shmerth

Earth Shmerth

Earth Hour is over. Thank fuck for that. To be frank, with the possible exception of Happy Hour, I am not overly interested in anything that lasts for only 60 minutes. The other thing is this. I have never felt particularly close to the human… Read More →

Uneasy lies the head

Uneasy lies the head

The Namibian government announced earlier this week that English will, from next year, no longer be the language of instruction from pre-primary to Grade Five. On the same day, the government strung up a banner in Windhoek’s main street reading: “Namibia celebrate 14 years of Indepence”.… Read More →

The Dirty Dozen 2

The Dirty Dozen 2

We need a fresh approach to politics. But perhaps not quite as fresh as North Korea’s approach. Last week, Kim Jong-un won the election with 100% of ballots cast in his favour. The man’s popularity is astounding. Opposition candidates narrowly failed to win a seat… Read More →

What Must We Fear Most? Putin starting World War III Or The Pistorius Trial Dragging On For Months?

What Must We Fear Most? Putin starting World War III Or The Pistorius Trial Dragging On For Months?

Comrades, we have new things to fear Russia provoking world war three. The Oscar Pistorius trial dragging on for months. Protein. Let us begin with the first. It’s the least likely to affect us directly because South Africa won’t be invited to participate in the… Read More →

An open letter to Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni

An open letter to Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni

Dear President Museveni, Supreme Ruler of the Pearl of Africa, Teacher of Lessons, Father of Children, Guardian of Public Morality and Confirmed Heterosexual for Life. Congratulations on signing the Anti-Homosexuality Act. You are a true visionary. This new law will go down in the history… Read More →

I man a de Bush Doctor

I man a de Bush Doctor

Big up to Mario Oriani-Ambrosini. This week he stood up in parliament and appealed to President Jacob Zuma to legalise medicinal marijuana as an alternative treatment for cancer patients. The Inkatha Freedom Party politician was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer last year. There is… Read More →

An Open Letter To Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula

An Open Letter To Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula

  Howzit Fiks, I reckon I can dispense with formality ‘coz you been hanging with rappers and threatening our soccer team with, like, death. That’s cool. I’m down with that kind of thing. So I read in the paper that you want to host some… Read More →

Knee-deep in whackos and nutjobs

Knee-deep in whackos and nutjobs

The first time I heard the term “cray cray” I was in Paternoster, the West Coast centre of operations for petty pilferers, tik monsters and venal property owners. The person shouting “cray cray” at me was a kid of about nine. He had a plastic… Read More →

A Chinese Lesbian is all I need.

A Chinese Lesbian is all I need.

Like most people at this time of year, my thoughts have turned to how best I can help those less fortunate than myself. No, they haven’t. They have turned to money. More specifically, why don’t I have it and how do I get it? These… Read More →

An inconvenient tooth

An inconvenient tooth

  There are two things I fear most of all. Three, if you include cockroaches. What the hell, let’s throw in praying mantises and make it four. Heavy lifting rounds it off to five. But all things considered, visiting the hairdresser and the dentist are… Read More →

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By Ben Trovato

Ben Trovato Cape Town-based author of 10 books, although you wouldn't think so if you had to see his living conditions. He was responsible for writing the Whipping Boy column for the Sunday Times for five years, South Africa's biggest-selling newspaper. Hailed by critics as a master of satire. Hailed by his wife, Brenda, as an idiot savant who could do with a little more savant and a lot less idiot. Follow him if you dare.

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