‘Sweet Child from Los Angeles won the golden dildo award at the Season 4 finale of Air Sex’. Yes you read that right. Air Sex is a new phenomenon sweeping America. Forget air guitar, air sex is ruder and way more offensive.
Rules: ‘Contestants have about 2 minutes to perform an Air Sex routine. This can include all phases of an Air Sex encounter: meeting, seduction, foreplay and intercourse, or you can simply cut to the chase.’

And of course: ‘Props are allowed, groups are allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated, not real, and you must have at least one invisible person (or object) that you are making love to.’ That pretty much sounds like a week night at University…

The safest way to have sex – Air Sex!

Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan made his debut on ZANews with some tactical talk as he steers the ship of the state through a choppy economic whirlpool.

Dear Comrade Zama, I am a government Communications Director and a social media junky. Now that the Hawks fired spokesperson McIntosh Polela because of a tweet, I am worried about the risks of letting my staff tweet unpoliced on those Twitter streets. Should I consider a strict social media strategy for my department? Signed: Concerned Government Tweep

Dear Concerned Government Tweep;

It’s often only after you’ve used a petrol station lavatory that you acknowledge the merits of that “Keep This Toilet Clean” sign at work. Common sense is so relative, one version of it must be legislated – for control. The popular disclaimer that one is tweeting in their “own capacity” is as effective in separating work from private life as the National Keypoint Act when it comes to Nkandla.

Even models are not immune from the assumption that lack of judgement on social media can impair their ability to do their job of being hot. Remember last year’s #ModelGate scandal? Jessica Leandra dos Santos tweeted “Just, well took on an arrogant and disrespectful kaffir inside Spar…” The Twitterverse decided it didn’t have time for that and the FHM model was immediately sentenced to a life of undocumented fatness, losing her FHM model of the year title and hard-earned QuickTrim sponsorship.

Come on tweep, can you think of a less painless way of getting rid of a pesky employee? Now all you need is a guy who can hack into social media accounts and post something distasteful that can guarantee their resignation or dismissal. Try “I have just found proof of corruption while engaging in lewd sexual acts with my boss”. That shoud do it.

The one good thing about this extra administrative task is how useful it can be when you need to earn brownie points with the media. Nothing screams “Moral Regeneration” quite like firing someone for a grubby tweet.

Dear Comrade Zama; I have been living in South Africa for some time now, and given the chilly economic climate, I thought I could help my new home by bringing tourists here. And all I got for my troubles was a public xenophobic attack. How do I clear my name? Signed: Atul G.

Dear Atul G;

You do realise that this is not the first xenophobic attack to happen in sunny South Africa, right? This is the usual treatment meted out to dark skinned folk from Africa. The fact that South Africans have included a new continent in their hateful behaviour could be seen as progress. Clearly we are becoming less discriminating in our xenophobia. Viva Broad-Based Xenophobic Empowerment, Viva!

Of cause there is that small issue of you landing a helicopter in Zoo Lake, then landing a commercial jet in Waterkloof Military Base and now landing into trouble. It is true that the objective South African is somewhere between a morgue and a graveyard, but when they all agree that you suck, then they have more than just a perception problem.

 You do have one thing going for you, though, and that’s precedence. South African courts have already found that just because one party is guilty of corruption doesn’t mean there is a prima facie case that the other party was corrupted (The State vs Shabir “Tiger” Shaik). That is one step closer to a ruling that just because there was corruption doesn’t mean anyone is corrupt. Therefore, although this is unconventional advice, I suggest you stop writing open letters via your newspaper editorials and head straight to court.

Find yourself a billionaire-friendly judge (they are all over the place), and use them to finally clarify what we all already know: South Africa has a major corruption problem but nobody in South Africa is corrupt.

Free Comic Book Day was brought to the world on 4 May 2013 and TAHS went to Reader’s Den at the Atrium in Claremont, Cape Town, South Africa, The World, Planet Earth, Zorg to interview the who’s who of comic book fandom.

Find Reader’s Den on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/anne.hirsch….
And check out their website http://www.readersden.co.za/
Follow Anne Hirsch on Twitter at https://twitter.com/Anne_Hirsch

No Celebrities were hurt during the filming of The Anne Hirsch Show

Catch TAHS every Wednesday and please subscribe to our Youtube Channel

You can’t get rid of former Police Chief Bheki Cele too easily. He was caught throwing his toys out the cot in front of the President.

So, when I walked out of my Abstract Algebra exam this afternoon with nothing but sadness stirring tears into my eyes, I began to grasp the sheer hopelessness of not only my situation – but that of all
the students on the continent struggling through their degrees for a future that is not guaranteed.

Luckily for me, there are two things that I know for sure: 1) just because no-one said falling asleep in
the middle of a date is inappropriate doesn’t mean it isn’t 2) all you need in life is another plan. So, on the ride from the site of my dismal loss to this particularly stubborn branch of mathematics, to my (very) humble abode I thought of the following things I could do in case this degree business doesn’t work out:

1. Become A Fashion Designer

If Project Runway’s taught me anything, it’s this; all I really need is a room-full of fashion students that are appropriately “hungry for it” (not too sure what the ‘it’ their hungry for, is—but I’ll sort that out later) and a sixty-year old white man with very ‘feminine’ mannerisms, in a suit, yelling “make it work!” every three hours, in order to do fashion. Mix that all up with a tall German woman that has the very unique talent of scowling “this is terrible!” and looking unbelievably beautiful at the same time, and you’ve got yourself a New-York-ready fashion label!

It’s only a matter of walking in to the studio once a month and whispering some vague concepts like “I want something flowy, but edgy. Think summertime—in a wrestling pit. In Bermuda. With a sprinkle of Eskimo-tears and tap-dancing babies” then walking out and watching the job do itself…right?

2. Become The Full-Time Mistress Of An Oil Baron

I don’t mean to brag but my face is chockfull of moderately attractive features. Add that to my sensible breasts and I’m sure you can imagine how many oil barons I have to fight off in a week. If you imagined zero you are correct! Pour yourself a strong drink—you deserve it.

That’s why I’ve gone ahead and started to transform into the sort of girl the emerging class of West African oil tycoons wouldn’t mind throwing bundles of currency at to fund their adulterous double-lives.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I like ‘free’ money as much as the next ‘born-free’ but I do have
concerns—exactly how much bleach do I have to dip myself in to be ‘light enough’ for Nigerian millionaires? Also, is there a site where I can find out just how much weight I need to gain to be [insert Nigerian word for ‘bootylicious’] enough? The answers to these questions are all that’s standing between me and the bright lights of an exotic life shining off my Brazillian weave.

3. Become A Stand-Up Comedian

Now, I’ve been told I’m a funny woman. And though I agree wholeheartedly, whenever it is said I make sure to keep my eye fixed on the nearest exit because everybody knows the funny girl never makes it to the end of the horror film—it’s science!

But if we’re honest with ourselves—standing up and telling jokes in front of a roomful of people who are at various stages of intoxication might get me further in life than a mathematics degree.

But you see—that’s my first concern with this stand-up business: how much standing is actually required? I’m not saying I’m lazy but can I sit and do ‘stand-up comedy?’ –or better yet, can I do ‘stand-up comedy’ while lying down? What does the rule-book say about taking naps in between jokes? Is that a no-no or…?

These are very important questions my people. And I’m afraid I can’t make a decision until they are answered….

4. Run An Underground Sex-Ring

Everyone knows that sex sells. And if Hollywood films set in the dingy parts of Europe have taught me anything it’s this: where there’s a gentleman with an Eastern European accent and a huge pile of un-marked currency there’s a roomful of naked sex-slaves nearby. And you know what? I’ve got my Eastern European accent down on pat. All that’s missing is an underground sex-ring.

Now, I’m cool with the roomful of humans thing—humans are pretty easy prey to trick into a bedroom. That’s not the problem. The problem is digging the room underground. (That’s what ‘underground sex-ring’ means….right?) I guess this is the part where I confess that I may or may not pay attention to the Hollywood films about European crime lords…and I actually don’t think I understand precisely what the roomful of naked humans is supposed to do. It’s sex right? With each other? And people pay to watch, right?

I’m so confused…

5. Sell My Organs On The Internet

If there are two things I’m good at its using the internet and having organs. And it’s time I combined those two talents into something amazing—internet organ sales. Its genius!

For too long people have bowed down to the myths that humans need two whole lungs, or two whole kidneys, or a whole heart to survive…[rolls eyes]. It’s pish-posh! You guys need to have a little more faith in science—like I do. That’s why I’m gonna corner the market on all the things you’ve been convinced you can’t sell.

I don’t need a whole heart anyway. What does the left side of it do, anyway? I’ll tell you: nothing. It just takes up all the space in your chest you could be filling with money. Your body is prime real-estate! Start acting like it.

But of course I do have a few concerns. Exactly, how much do I have to cut down on the ole JD? A lot? I see…What about the tobacco? What’s the going rate for tarred-up lungs? It’s got to be pretty good, right? A nicotine habit is really expensive. What if I tell people to think of it as an investment? No?

[sigh] There goes that idea.

Looks like there’s no winning in the big bad world. And it appears no amount of genius at plan-B making’s gonna get me out of the struggle that is acquiring this degree. [sobs into open textbook] [sobs into open textbook]

Frenchman Rémi Gaillard has single-handedly declared a war against la police in France. His controversial videos show him playing pranks and causing all manner of havoc but don’t worry, in the words of Rémi ‘I’m doing it for you guys, I’m doing it for France.’ Thanks Rémi. Vive la liberté!

Now if only South Africa had its own Rémi…pity Debora Patta quit 3rd Degree….