It is a deep-set instinct of mine to avoid queuing at all cost. Fortunately I live in a world of convenience with online banking and a seemingly endless choice of places to go for gourmet burgers and craft beers. If the service doesn’t suit me at any given time then it’s on to the next one. Unfortunately the traffic department has somewhat of a monopoly on road transport that I can’t see being privatized anytime soon. If only the scientists got off their collective butts and finally got a flying car into production.

So basically I had plenty of time to play Solitaire on my cellphone and even more for people watching. The people were people watching right back, but for different reasons. I personally have a genuine fascination with weird faces (the traffic department delivered in abundance) but everyone else were seeking eye contact with someone equally annoyed so they could share a sigh of frustration.

It surprised me that not a single person was reading a magazine, newspaper or book and curiously few people were entranced by the magic of their almighty smart phone. I couldn’t help think people wanted to be annoyed. But that was their choice to make.

It was three hours of sitting, standing and a thumb-cramping amount of solitaire before I reached the front of the last queue. Before I could squeeze in a brief greeting the lady behind the bulletproof glass spoke out “Excuse me, just wait, the computer system is running very slow, we’re just restarting the system”. The system never restarted.

Maybe it was the fact that my mind was still feeling the effects of my Friday night antics or maybe it was my chronic politeness but the only reaction I could muster up was a casual smile. I immediately reasoned that this situation was not in my control and experienced a moment of sweet nihilism as I successfully blocked out the rumblings of the outraged crowd behind me. My strategy of lowering my expectations had proven to be a resounding success. I quietly congratulated myself as I left the building empty handed.

Halalala! This is the first time a comedian from Africa has performed on David Letterman and hopefully not the last. Trevor takes the audience on a tour de farce of growing up with a Xhosa mother and a German father and explains just how displaced he feels in New York. Of course the audience loves him, as do we. Viva, Trevor, viva!
Our own Trevor Noah, was equally impressed…

Helen Zille prepares a formal proposal with Lindiwe Mazibuko in the hopes that they will be taken more seriously…

‘Sweet Child from Los Angeles won the golden dildo award at the Season 4 finale of Air Sex’. Yes you read that right. Air Sex is a new phenomenon sweeping America. Forget air guitar, air sex is ruder and way more offensive.
Rules: ‘Contestants have about 2 minutes to perform an Air Sex routine. This can include all phases of an Air Sex encounter: meeting, seduction, foreplay and intercourse, or you can simply cut to the chase.’

And of course: ‘Props are allowed, groups are allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated, not real, and you must have at least one invisible person (or object) that you are making love to.’ That pretty much sounds like a week night at University…

The safest way to have sex – Air Sex!

Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan made his debut on ZANews with some tactical talk as he steers the ship of the state through a choppy economic whirlpool.

Dear Comrade Zama, I am a government Communications Director and a social media junky. Now that the Hawks fired spokesperson McIntosh Polela because of a tweet, I am worried about the risks of letting my staff tweet unpoliced on those Twitter streets. Should I consider a strict social media strategy for my department? Signed: Concerned Government Tweep

Dear Concerned Government Tweep;

It’s often only after you’ve used a petrol station lavatory that you acknowledge the merits of that “Keep This Toilet Clean” sign at work. Common sense is so relative, one version of it must be legislated – for control. The popular disclaimer that one is tweeting in their “own capacity” is as effective in separating work from private life as the National Keypoint Act when it comes to Nkandla.

Even models are not immune from the assumption that lack of judgement on social media can impair their ability to do their job of being hot. Remember last year’s #ModelGate scandal? Jessica Leandra dos Santos tweeted “Just, well took on an arrogant and disrespectful kaffir inside Spar…” The Twitterverse decided it didn’t have time for that and the FHM model was immediately sentenced to a life of undocumented fatness, losing her FHM model of the year title and hard-earned QuickTrim sponsorship.

Come on tweep, can you think of a less painless way of getting rid of a pesky employee? Now all you need is a guy who can hack into social media accounts and post something distasteful that can guarantee their resignation or dismissal. Try “I have just found proof of corruption while engaging in lewd sexual acts with my boss”. That shoud do it.

The one good thing about this extra administrative task is how useful it can be when you need to earn brownie points with the media. Nothing screams “Moral Regeneration” quite like firing someone for a grubby tweet.

Dear Comrade Zama; I have been living in South Africa for some time now, and given the chilly economic climate, I thought I could help my new home by bringing tourists here. And all I got for my troubles was a public xenophobic attack. How do I clear my name? Signed: Atul G.

Dear Atul G;

You do realise that this is not the first xenophobic attack to happen in sunny South Africa, right? This is the usual treatment meted out to dark skinned folk from Africa. The fact that South Africans have included a new continent in their hateful behaviour could be seen as progress. Clearly we are becoming less discriminating in our xenophobia. Viva Broad-Based Xenophobic Empowerment, Viva!

Of cause there is that small issue of you landing a helicopter in Zoo Lake, then landing a commercial jet in Waterkloof Military Base and now landing into trouble. It is true that the objective South African is somewhere between a morgue and a graveyard, but when they all agree that you suck, then they have more than just a perception problem.

 You do have one thing going for you, though, and that’s precedence. South African courts have already found that just because one party is guilty of corruption doesn’t mean there is a prima facie case that the other party was corrupted (The State vs Shabir “Tiger” Shaik). That is one step closer to a ruling that just because there was corruption doesn’t mean anyone is corrupt. Therefore, although this is unconventional advice, I suggest you stop writing open letters via your newspaper editorials and head straight to court.

Find yourself a billionaire-friendly judge (they are all over the place), and use them to finally clarify what we all already know: South Africa has a major corruption problem but nobody in South Africa is corrupt.