Fifty Shades of Grey paint palette revealed for suburban sex dungeons

By Hayibo August 10, 2012

Paint manufacturer Dewlucks has released its highly anticipated Fifty Shades of Grey collection, aimed at middle-class bondage enthusiasts. “From the bedroom where you share loving spanking, to the secret dungeon under your dining-room where you work through your mother complex, the colour of your walls can now reflect your identity as a modern, proud, independent gimp,” said a spokesman.

According to Dewlucks spokesman, Pick McCullough, decorating dungeons and love-nests has always been awkward for customers, who have traditionally had to buy erotic paint colours “under the counter”.

“We were shipping millions of gallons of paint, but always in brown bags,” said McCullough, adding that traditional favourites included Whip-Crack White, Gag-Ball Blue, and Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Purple.

But, he said, the Fifty Shades of Grey publishing phenomenon was allowing more and more people to experiment openly with dungeon décor.

“And from a selling perspective, it’s so rewarding to sell to submissives,” added McCullough. “You just yell, ‘Buy it, you worm!’, and they do.”

He said that the new range of greys represented the “full arc of the classic modern bondage relationship”, featuring vibrant shades like First Glance, Titillation, Secret Whisper, Stirrup Surprise, Tranquil Trapeze, Bondage Bonanza, Spanky, Orgazma (in multiple shades), Awkward Silence, Instant Regret, and Bitter Recrimination.

All are available in a fully washable finish.

Meanwhile, couples, threesomes, foursomes and fivesomes say they are delighted with the new colours.

“We just bought a lovely little fixer-upper in the suburbs,” said mother of two and priestess of pain, Mandy ‘Ballcrusher’ Smith. “But the old couple who had it before us had really neglected the dungeon. It was very old-school, lots of hand-cranked wooden tables, braziers, very early 90s.”

She said she her partner, local geography teacher and “gutless whining turd-boy”, Neville, had updated the dungeon with “lovely Scandinavian furniture, like a laminated birch abuse-table and a beautiful minimalist whip-rack with all the latest carbon fibre riding crops”.

But, she said, it had been the paint scheme that really pulled it all together.

“Like how a gimp-harness looped through a ceiling ring pulls all your gimps together. We’re so happy and proud.”