Why the Opposition Sucks

By Chester Missing October 4, 2012

Chester Missing

Jacob Zuma is getting a R200-million extension on his house, which is blazing. Showers for daaaaaaays!

Somewhere in SA is a kid thinking she could have a new school if she could just convince the ANC it’s part of the president’s house.

So then why are the Hawks investigating Julius Malema and not Msholozi? It’s like Kulubuse Zuma putting Sindiso Magaqa on diet. The opposition in SA is so k*k the ANC has had to do it in house. Apparently they are even hitting each other at National Executive Committee (NEC) meetings now. Maybe its time for the opposition to get together: Vote DAPACIFPCOPEUDMACDPFF+.

The problem with COPE is that their name makes them sound like a night shelter for homeless people. If they joined the DA they could change their name to COPE Light. But let’s get real; COPE can’t even hold a national conference because they’re suing themselves. The only way COPE can help SA is if Mosiuoa and Mbhazima try out in the Olympics in the backstabbing category. I interviewed Mr Lekota for Late Nite News, and I have to admit, I felt Terror.

And then there’s the UDM. Who exactly votes for them, and if they do, does Bantu Holomisa make them move to the Eastern Cape? Until recently I thought UDM was just a Xhosa stokvel, but apparently they do have voters. Slightly more than Freedom Front Plus, which got just 0.83% of the vote.

Three million people voted in the Idols finals the other day. That means more people voted for Khaya Mthethwa the singer than for the whole Vreiheidsfront. Shame, maybe the UDM and FF+ should join together. At least then when Pieter Mulder wants to call people ‘Bantus’ he can pretend he was talking to General Holomisa.

The IFP is bigger, although I heard rumours that Ladysmith Black Mambazo has formed a breakaway faction. I am not sure what Buthelezi is planning. I think he’s wasted in politics. He should go to his true calling, as a model for Ray Ban Aviator sunglasses. Not even Arno Carstens wears his with that kind of swag. In fact if he keeps going someone is going to think The Gatsha is Ray Charles in disguise.

The DA reckons they have the answers. But I can’t trust anyone who has something called a ‘shadow minister’. You have to see them to understand why they are called ‘shadow ministers’. They spend a lot of time in the shade. In fact they are so pale they make the vampires from the Twilight series look tanned.

Ironically there’s more black in Jack Parow’s teeth than in the DA’s ‘shadow’ cabinet. But racial politics aside, can the DA help the poor? The DA’s plan to alleviate poverty is by helping corporate SA. That’s like hoping Oscar Pistorius will tap dance, or that Julius Malema will commit to weigh-less (that bra is eating goldmines, not nationalising them). The DA’s economic policies are what happens when rich start seeing all poor people as car guards looking for R5.

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t talked about the ACDP and the PAC. I’m beginning to suspect that I have more followers on twitter than they have voters. ACDP would get more support if they called themselves ACDC, and the PAC have crashed more times than a SA Roadlink bus. Voting for these people is like calling 10210 at Telkom. You can do it, but it won’t achieve anything.

Maybe Julius Malema will start his own party? I’d vote for Juju, because if we must have someone who is going to spend R200-million on their house I want to make sure we get some decent bling for our bucks – Surround-sound waterbeds, a beret closet, a media briefing room with ‘bloody agent’ detectors, the fridge from the Heineken ads, a dry cleaning service for when there’s rubbish in your trousers, and one big ass washing machine with a label saying: MONEY LAUNDERING.

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv