Giving the Economy a Vavi-sectomy

By Chester Missing October 25, 2012

Chester Missing

The ANC has 1-million members. The Congress of South African Trade Unions (Cosatu) has 2.2-million members. Clicks Club Card has 3.6-million members. I think Cosatu should start giving points for frequent strikers. This week I interviewed Zwelinzima Vavi for Late Nite News (LNN). I asked him if Zuma’s wives form a union will Cosatu help them?

They could call themselves after that Russian band, Pussy Riot. Jokes aside, there are more strikes in SA right now than in Chris Brown’s Lamborghini. What’s up?

Mining is where colonialists stole land and then forced the people they stole it from to mine it. African ous were busy with agrarian vibes until some bastards made them pay a hut tax. It forced people into a western economy, because to get hut tax money you have to work for someone.

So, yes, colonialists stole African people’s wealth and are now lending it back to them with interest through Joshua Doore. Imagine working 2km under ground, never seeing your family, and earning f*kall? It’s LITERALLY hell with headlamps. SA mining culture has normalised huge inequality, and nothing’s changed.

Obviously, now we’ve got impimpi comrades who themselves own mines. Even Khulubuse Zuma tried… but he’s so clueless he even got jacked outside a KFC. I guess he’s not Streetwise 2.

With an average member age of 40 the National Union of Mineworkers’ (NUM) leadership is getting so old when they get “pissed off” it happens literally. And the problem is the bosses and the union heads have agreed on how you are supposed to strike. People are even calling strikes ‘illegal’. WTF is an “illegal strike”? “Sorry, we would have a revolution if we could just sort out our paperwork”. You can’t tell Che Guevara to come back when he has a permit.

In my opinion Cosatu are the most credible voice in the alliance (outside of Buti Manamela from the YCL: How do you hate a guy whose first name sounds like slang for a lady’s bum? No wonder the president likes him).

The rival Lonmin union, Association of Mineworkers and Construction Union (Amcu), made Cosatu look like the 40-year-old Virgins, and now they are doing everything they can to look hardcore. Nationalising mines, bringing the economy to a halt, grrrr. It’s a matter of time before the middle class ous running Cosatu and NUM do what all middle class badass wannabes do: buy Harleys and get tattoos. Except for Comrade Vavi. He’s dissecting the ANC and pretending he’s not. It’s a Vavi-sectomy.

Vavi says he’s worried about overseas perceptions, but also says these strikers must get their jobs back. I guess crippling the economy so you can earn more money is like committing suicide so you can see a doctor.

The DA and the media are going nuts about these people called “investors”. Are investors only happy when workers are really, really hungry? Do investors like when ous can’t feed their kids. I mean, where are we getting money from, The Idi Amin Adolph Hitler Investment Bank?

Dear mine owners, my suggestion is to show these investors where you are making miners live. Show investors what you are making their kids eat. Then show where you live and what you eat. If they are OK with it then your investors can f**k off.

Chester Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA and etv.