A Trust Fund Called Zuma

By Chester Missing May 2, 2013

Chester Missing

Freedom Day was on a Saturday, which is just plain dof. It’s like getting your own couch as a birthday present. It was like a fake Freedom Day. And after 350 years of colonialism we want our freedom as real as the hair under a feminist’s armpits. That’s why I want to talk about the Guptas.

The Gupta wedding is so exciting. It’s the first time in history someone has given their kid a country’s president as a wedding gift. Let’s hope when Msholozi gets his invite to Sun City he doesn’t get dropped off at Pretoria’s maximum security prison by mistake. Although with a R200 million wall at Nkandla, he’ll probably feel right at home. The problem with the Guptas is not their wealth or their friendship with the kwaito star in the Union Buildings. The problem is that you don’t get invited to a Gupta wedding you get tendered.

It’s like when you hang out with white people. They have been treated special for so long they have started to think they deserve it. The Guptas are like Indian white people. I wonder if poor people with open toilets would be allowed to use the toilets at the Gupta airforce base? The President gets all huffy with us wanting to know about CAR security and then lets foreigners use our airport base as a parking lot. It turns out integrity is not a National Key Point.

Their clout comes from their cash. When the Guptas get married they pay other people’s lobola. Allegedly they are even paying for the President’s wife’s house. Basically if Msholozi has a walking stick he calls it ‘Gupta’, because it supports him. It’s a matter of time before ‘ZUMA’ is officially registered on the Mumbai stock exchange. Yes folks, our president is now officially an offshore investment.

But his haters are no better, and that’s the problem. Even the DA are picking up cheques from Guptas, and other unnamed business people. Black youth don’t need to be scared Zille will bring back apartheid. They need to be scared she’ll bring back shoulder pads.

The problem is that these business people in cahoots with politicians undermine our trust, and trust is the building block of politics. That’s why the ANC was there on TV showing off Madiba like Kenny shows off honeys (just don’t put sushi on him guys). Trust. That’s why the DA wants us to ‘#KnowYourDA’. Trust.

The President needs to realize that the Guptas make him look as dodgy as a Top TV subscriber with a bottle of baby oil, and the DA needs to realize that the #KnowYourDA campaign came across as them saying ‘some of our best friends were black’.

Chester Missing is a puppet political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA.